Week 13 Wrapup

Summary

Ladies and gentlemen, gather ‘round because Week 13 of the Fantasy Football circus was a wild ride, and you don’t want to miss this spectacle! Alan (They Tookerrr Jobs), the kind of guy who picks up every job but never shows up for the hard work, put on a masterclass in domination, scoring a whopping 147.84 points to slap Chris (Fortes and Blounts) silly with a pathetic 96.66. If Chris spent less time coming up with dumb team names and more time actually trying, maybe he wouldn’t resemble a bloated, pasty-faced fish flopping around out of water!

Over in the nail-biter corner, we’ve got Brian (Hugh’s Butt Dial) who snagged victory by the absolute skin of his teeth against Trevor (Dixie Normous). Let’s just applaud Brian for pulling that W out of his ass just in time with 125.56 points, while Trevor’s 125.16 leaves him looking like he just failed a spelling test in kindergarten. Seriously, pal, how does it feel to lose by a decimal? You’re dumber than a box of rocks at a game of chess!

Now let’s talk about Bill (The Mayor), who could probably screw up a wet dream, as he expected to lead with a putrid 100.2, but found himself swallowed whole by Nick M (Quiet Quitters) who casually cruised to 115.14. Bill, buddy, more like “the May-I-please-get-my-act-together.”

Lee (Let em breathe 68) was another tragic tale, scoring 128.22 only to get steamrolled by David (Eifert for the Bradys), who channeled the spirit of Goliath with an impressive 138.7. David may have been no slingshot-wielding shepherd, but he sure dropped a rock on Lee’s hopes.

Rounding it out, we witnessed the Saucy Sheriff, Nick H, riding a high-octane wave with 141.02 points while Tyler (Joey Freshwater) floundered in the shallow end with just 110.8. Tyler, my man, you look like the kid who forgets to bring a lunch to school but sits there with an empty bag, waiting for someone to throw you a scrap or two.

So here’s to the winners—revel in your glory while the losers take a long, hard look in the mirror. Spoiler alert: the reflection is underwhelming! Keep practicing the old saying, “If you ain’t first, you’re last” because it’s the truth… and quite frankly, a reality check you sorely need! - Fake Commish

Weekly Awards

Big Dick Award (Most Total Points) $$

Alan 147.84

Little Bitch Award (Fewest Total Points)

Chris 96.66

Matchups Overview

Best and Worst for the Week

Best and Worst Positions for the Week