Week 1 Wrapup

Summary

Week 1 is in the books, and this league wasted no time serving up blowouts, bench blunders, and one truly baffling loss nobody saw coming. Let’s get into it.

Butt Dial Rings, Nobody’s Home

Bill opened his season with a 135.8 to 115.1 win over Brian, riding Jahmyr Gibbs going off for 31.1 points against a 20.74 projection. Brian actually had the single best individual performance of the entire week sitting in his own lineup - Kenneth Walker III erupted for 42.6 points on a measly 13.56 projection - and it still wasn’t enough, because Ja’Marr Chase, the guy Brian probably reached for in the first round, no-showed with 2.2 points on a 17.19 projection. Chase, buddy, that’s not a bad week, that’s a hostage situation.

Joey Freshwater Floods the Blounts

Tyler steamrolled Chris 146.36 to 90.1, powered by Ashton Jeanty going for 31.7 on a 16.39 projection - dude’s a problem already. Chris, meanwhile, put together maybe the most infuriating loss of the week: Zay Flowers balled out for 27.5 points, but Matthew Stafford face-planted with 5.1 points on a nearly-21-point projection, and to make it worse, Chris had Matthew Golden sitting on his bench with 12.5 points while starting a nearly invisible Drake London (4.5). Chris, 0-1 with a quarterback who forgot how to throw and a bench that’s outplaying your lineup - it’s not looking good.

Pablo Pledgecobar Silences the Quitters

Nick H, now playing under his new “Pablo Pledgecobar” banner, put up the week’s second-highest score at 148.56, led by Josh Allen going full video-game mode with 40.76 points. But the real story of this game belongs to Nick M, who lost by over 33 points while leaving Jalen Coker - who dropped 33.8 points - glued to the bench in favor of Nico Collins’ pedestrian 17.7. Nick M, that swap wasn’t going to save you given the final margin, but it’s still the kind of decision that should keep you up at night.

The Bradys Steal Alan’s Job

David beat Alan 125.56 to 111.24 behind a typically great Justin Jefferson day (27.2 points), while Alan got a monster game from Derrick Henry (33.8 on a 16-point projection) completely wasted by Bo Nix’s disastrous 6.74 points. Alan, you also had Parker Washington drop 16.6 points on your bench while DeVonta Smith gave you a measly 6.8 in the lineup - not the reason you lost, but definitely a reason to be annoyed at yourself.

Dixie Normous Barely Lets ‘Em Breathe

And now, the game of the week. Trevor beat Lee by a razor-thin 87.76 to 77.12, but the real headline here is that Lee’s own bench cost him this game outright: Lee started Terry McLaurin, who scored a pathetic 2.4 points, while Stefon Diggs sat on the bench with 13.5. Swap those two and Lee wins this game by less than a point. Lee, that’s a self-inflicted wound if there ever was one. Trevor didn’t play clean either - he benched Christian Watson’s absurd 33.7-point outing in favor of George Pickens’ 4.3 - but when your opponent hands you the game with a lineup mistake of their own, you don’t need to be perfect, you just need to be less wrong.

Week 1 in the books: Nick H sits atop the scoreboard, Chris and Lee are already searching for answers, and at least one of you has nobody to blame but yourself for how your bench was set. See you next week. - Fake Commish

Weekly Awards

Big Dick Award (Most Total Points) $$

Nick H 148.56

Little Bitch Award (Fewest Total Points)

Lee 77.12

Matchups Overview

Best and Worst for the Week

Best and Worst Positions for the Week